My never-again weight, part 2

I am exactly 8kg heavier than I was this time last year. In its infinite wisdom, the internet tells me this is a whole TWO CATS heavier. That pleases me because it stops me obsessing over the numbers. I’ve always been a counter.

At no point did I eat two cats: I’m vegan. Alongside settling down in a ridiculously happy relationship, going vegan was actually the major lifestyle change I needed to break free of the bingeing and purging cycle that I had been stuck in since I was thirteen.

I’m not saying that veganism cures compulsive over-eating. This is not a how-to guide, and although I work for the NHS my bank balance assures me that I am not a doctor. Veganism just happened to work in my particular case. For me, food has always been about control, and switching from a vegetarian to a vegan diet gave me a strict set of rules to live by that weren’t linked to calorie consumption. As I am fond of telling people, chips are vegan. And yes, I eat chips. Still not as many as I’d like, but I’m getting there.

Bingeing and purging is extremely addictive, destructive, and expensive. It’s not something I feel comfortable going into a great deal of detail about here just yet. I will try later, if you’re interested. I fear relapsing intensely. I still have nightmares at least once a week in which I binge. When I wake up, I am filled with shame and hopelessness, just as if I had binged in real life. The anxiety feels like a rock stuck under my ribcage, and I wander around our flat, dazed, trying to shift it. I’m a delight in the mornings.

With any other addictive substance or behaviour, the medical advice is to stop it completely, to cut it out of your life and avoid triggering situations if at all possible. This can’t be done with food. You can’t, ironically, go cold turkey.

I know because I tried, and I ended up at the never-again weight. No one’s invented a real life version of the Willy Wonka Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum yet, so there’s no quick fix. Everyone in eating disorder recovery has to teach themselves, somehow, to eat in moderation.

I still want to binge EVERY. DAMN. DAY. It is slowly getting easier though. As time passes, the cycle’s grip on me loosens. I eat more, I gain weight, I get stronger. I celebrate each small victory. Sometimes, I even manage to celebrate with chocolate.

I made my first appointment with the doctor the day after my Occupational Health visit, before I lost my nerve. I realised that my fear of relapsing had morphed into a fear of food itself. I had, to be blunt, never learnt to eat like an adult. It was time to start.

This weekend, I’ll write again. If you’ve made it this far, thank you. 🖤