Worst nurse EVER

My mother’s just had a hip replacement, so I’ve spent the last few days back in Swanwick “looking after” her. The quotation marks are there because she was, less than a month into recovery, adamant that she didn’t need any help. In fact, since leaving hospital she’s only taken ONE codeine tablet, claiming that an Ibuprofen before bed was perfectly sufficient. I may, at this point, be forced to admit that stubbornness is genetic. I quickly ascertained that I was largely there to alleviate her boredom. So, here’s a representative list of things my mother learnt from my visit:

1) How to connect to the internet on her phone (fuck knows how she’d managed to turn it off in the first place).

2) The existence of my lower back tattoo, and the fact that it’s the Expendables logo.

3) That ‘The Expendables’ and ‘The Incredibles’ are two very different films.

4) The existence of cat shaming, and pets interrupting yoga.

5) How to block people on Facebook, specifically “that fat bitch from work”.

6) How to create an Instagram account.

7) How to post photos of her cats on Instagram.

(Yes, I realise 6 and 7 make me PART OF THE PROBLEM.)

8) That my answer to every other technological question is “because Windows is shit, switch to Android”.